Anyone with a life will tell you that riding the bus sucks. I rode the school bus back in 5th grade and remember it quite vividly. I was the only “good kid” that would sit quietly in my seat. Other students would throw things across the bus, stand up while the bus was in motion, or sing loud, stupid songs in the back. Oh, and who could forget the “swear kid”. This kid would scream out whatever awesome cuss word he learned from his older siblings. The word “stupid” was considered a swear to the little kids (6-8 years old) so he was their hero when he would scream, “MOTHERFU….” Well, you catch my drift.
The worst part about the school bus was the bus driver. I had a few bus drivers during that year I rode the bus. I don’t remember their names but I recall their distinct personalities clearly. I narrowed their personalities into a little list I call, “Analysis of School Bus Drivers.” (Clever title, I know 🙂 )
The Positive Nelly
This bus driver (normally female) jumps into the bus with a cheery attitude. She skips to her seat and with a wide smile begins to start up the bus. She smiles as she backs up. She smiles as she pulls around the corner. She smiles as she passes the other children. She smiles as she runs over Mrs. Henderson. She smiles so much that it scares the crap out of you and you have to watch her smile as she wipes it off the seat.
The worst part about having the Positive Nelly is that the kids take advantage of her. She makes a mental check of every bad thing the kids do to her and once she snaps…
The next week the children are assigned a new bus driver.
Favorite Quotes
“The world is such a wonderful place.”
“I love my job! I love children! Don’t you just love yourselves, children?”
“Oh, did I just run over Mrs. Henderson? Silly me!”
VARIATIONS: The Totally Positive Nelly- This driver is just like the regular Positive Nelly, only they don’t “snap”. They don’t really care what the kids do.
The Mommy (Daddy)
This bus driver brings her kids with her. She straps the baby in the front seat of the bus and forces all the kids to listen to the babies screaming and crying.
It’s even worse if she lets her older child (3-10 years) run around the bus. She doesn’t allow the students to stand on the bus but she lets her kid run down the aisle.
If the driver’s kid punches you or steals something the driver yells at you for “getting in his way”.
Favorite Quotes
“Sweetie, it’s okay if you run up and down the aisle… JONATHAN, SIT DOWN RIGHT NOW!”
“Being a mom is great! I love how I can combine my work and motherly duties together!”
“If you can’t take my baby’s crying, then don’t take the bus!”
VARIATIONS: The Daycare: Same as The Mommy only the “mommy” brings a bunch of kids that are unrelated to her on the bus. She thinks she can make more money if the bus doubled as a daycare center…
The Military Commander
This bus driver enforces every single unusual rule…
“JONATHAN, STOP COUGHING. DO NOT MAKE ME PULL THIS BUS OVER AND WALK BACK THERE.”
“But sir, I have a cold…”
“JONATHAN, I WILL PULL THIS HUGE BUS OVER! DO YOU WANT A REFERRAL TO THE OFFICE?”
“My name is Tom!”
“JONATHAN, I AM TIRED OF YOU TALKING BACK TO ME. I AM YOUR BUS DRIVER… SHOW SOME RESPECT!”
*cough*
“I SWEAR, JONATHAN, ONE MORE COUGH…”
“That wasn’t even me!”
“JONATHAN!”
The problems with this bus driver are obvious.
Favorite Quotes
“Back in my day we respected our elders!”
“If you do that one more time I’ll…”
“JONATHAN!”
The Life Hater
This bus driver (normally male) is the most common of all school bus drivers. He is hunched over the wheel and mutter to himself about his awful life. He hates everything that has ever happened to him and his job (he hates kids/teens). Nobody should ever ask this bus driver why he looks so sad. He will go on and on about his life story.
“My brother took my toy airplane away… They called me a “nerd”… Mandy broke up with me. I WANT HER BACK SO MUCH!
An hour goes by and you realize that you haven’t even left the corner.
Favorite Quotes
“Why didn’t I become a science teacher?”
“Why can’t *cries* I be loved???”
“I hate all these children!”
VARIATIONS: The Bad Role Model- This bus driver is just like the Life Hater, only he also may smoke, swear, etc on the bus. He just doesn’t care.
~~~~~~~~~~
I have never come across the “perfect” bus driver. Maybe I will someday. I’ll just have to keep on dreaming…
Sara
Tedious Life 
I had one bus driver who was fantastic. He didn’t fit in any of those categories, thank goodness. He told us funny stories and every now and then he would drive me all the way up my realllllly long country driveway straight to the door even though he wasn’t supposed to.
I wonder if analysis of mass transit drivers works the same way?!?!
You’re very lucky. I’ve have a bus driver that fit into every category up there. Mass transit drivers probably fit into these categories too. I imagine their job would be harder because they can’t just scream at everyone to shut up and sit down.
I have never once been put in the “bad kid” seat on the metro.
You haven’t? That’s not normal? I better call someone about this…