Tag Archives: school

I’m sitting in a closet

17 Dec

I’m back from my computer break. It made me feel like this ūüėÄ

That last sentence is a lie, I really felt like this ūüė¶

I won’t go into details, but my bag fell in the toilet. Now I have to use a crappy replacement bag while my old bag is being disinfected. And by “old bag”, I really mean my old bag, not my grandma. Although, I did have to pull her out of the toilet when she slipped in one time. Hmmm…. I’m getting too technical.

My mustache on a stick business is branching out. I make mustaches, beards, and now a tear on a stick. Feeling sad? Pull out your tear on a stick! Clever, no?

I was stabbed in the arm with a pencil for the second time in my life. In 2nd grade, I stabbed someone in the eye. Obviously, whats-his-face from second grade is still pissed and trying to get back at me.

I’m also debating whether or not I should come out of closet… about this blog. I’ve been keeping the secret for too long, and I’m going to come out of the real closet anyways (there aren’t any presents in here!).

And that’s it.

So tell me…

What have you been up to for the past two weeks? What do you do for the holidays? Have you ever stabbed anyone in the eye?

For the holidays, I DON’T stab people in the eye. I also collect ornaments.

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Friday Flip Offs 10/15: Evil Feces

14 Oct

No original non-meme posts in three weeks? I would be a bit angry at myself if I didn’t have a post¬†planned for next week… and an awesome party coming up! Seriously, this is how my life has been for about 3 weeks…

I forgot to add "making useless graphs"

As you can see, blogging has been the least of my concerns but that’s not going to stop me with Friday Flip Offs!¬†

Contacts, you suck hard. I’ve forgotten to taken you out twice this week, and woke up with sudden realization that my 20/20 vision was back and then the sadness that followed. I cried. ūüė•

America’s Schools, I just realized that you are reason why my vision sucks. You turned me into a Super Reader which really messed up my eyes.¬†¬†If I ever mistake poison for orange juice, I’ll be suing you. That’s the American way.

Spanish you’ve failed me. All those classes and I still fumble with the easiest vocabulary words. I can’t imagine what those Spanish speakers are thinking of me after I told them, “I’m washing my hands with ham.”

Ham- jamón
Soap- jabón

This is why I will never take that vacation to Spain.

I’m giving an old-fashioned bird flipping to dog poop and Dog. Dog is a dog. He poops; it’s natural. What isn’t natural is the fact that he continues to push after he stands up and the result is crap smeared all over his rear end. He also tries to run away while I round-up¬†a buddy (in today’s case, it was my loving father) to help me clean the crap off my dog’s butt with a moist towel. After we catch him, the cleaning process begins. In summary…

‚ĖļHe gets crap on my shoes.

‚ĖļHe runs off and wipes his shit on the leg closest to him.

‚ĖļHe has this weird look in his eye while I clean him. I think he assumes we’re in a relationship now, but I’m too scared to say no.

Dog’s 13th birthday is coming up, so I would normally associate his ‘pushing’ problems with old age… BUT he does it every time company comes over or I have something important to do. Every. Single. Time.

Who knew that poop could be used for evil?

What are you flipping off this week? Also, what’s the best way to break up with your dog?

 Click here to visit Mommakiss and the other bloggers flipping off today. (Please note that I will be posting this early and will be adding my blog to the linky list on Friday morning.)

Friday Flips 9/24: Morph into Bob Saget already!

24 Sep

Crappidy Crap Crap Crappin’ Crap.

I forgot it was Thursday night. I have flips to write and so much to do. Since when does Friday turn into the busiest day of the week? Isn’t that what Mondays are for?

Papercuts- FLIP OFF! I haven’t gotten a paper cut in a long time so whenever people would talk about the horrible pain, I would secretly think it’s just a little paper cut.

They hurt, bad. I don’t know who to blame for this… paper? The paper company? Obama?

I‚Äôll just blame the Canadians. Dang Canadians, coming into America with their stupid ‚Äúmade in China‚ÄĚ paper‚Ķ

 How I Met Your Mother- FLIP OFF! I hate this show but I can’t stop watching. I find the fact that Neil Patrick Harris is gay but playing a womanizer is intriguing and slightly hilarious.

I’m also trying to find and watch the episode where Josh Radnor morphs into Bob Saget. I don’t know if it’s a quick morph or a slow changing process that happens over several episodes but I think it might be the latter because I’ve started to see more Bob Saget-ty features growing on him as I watch more episodes.

When the Bob Saget transformation is complete, he finally meets the mother? Right? I really hope that’s true because I can’t stand watching this show anymore.

Writer’s Block and my busy schedule- FLIP OFF!¬†I¬†have writer’s block right now and even the small amount of ideas I do have don’t get written down… no time.

I feel so bad that I have TWO Friday Flips posts in a row. I haven’t posted all week and it irritates me more than it should.

I LOVE posting but with the WordPress.org switch (half way there) and school/errands, the blog gets tossed to the end of my to-do list.

I also have a whole new load of tasks. I’m picking up tennis again for the first time in years and I¬†have to design band T-shirts for this awesome band I’m a part of now. We sing songs about eating your veggies and staying in school.

Don’t ask.

Click here to visit Mommakiss and see who else is flipping today.

A letter from my future child: Dear Mom, you’re so uncool!

27 Aug

Dear Mom,

If my calculations are correct, this letter should have arrived at your doorstep years before I am born.

I hope my calculations are correct! I inherited your horrible math skills and will never get into Harvard. Thanks for that, Mom!

Your future child has written this letter to let you know a few things BEFORE you become a mom and make my life miserable.  

Your You are old- really, really old- in the future. When I saw an old picture of you, I didn’t even know it was you! What happened? You used to be attractive and now you are… wow.

Past Mom, STOP wearing jeans so you won’t wear them in the future around my friends. Jeans are so 2005 and none of the zellar moms will wear them anymore. Everyone is wearing synthetic fiber adjustable pants… Why can’t you old people catch on?

Past Mom, stop quoting Star Wars. It was not cool then and it is not cool now. Obi-Wan Kenobi, or Yoda, or Luke Skywalker is not my mom, you are. If Luke Skywalker was my mom, it would be weird.

What the heck is an iPhone or a laptop? Your old people words are confusing so you should stop using them now. Learn how to say Portable Communication and Entertainment Device (PCED) and Transportable Electronic Processor (TEP) like everyone else, you freak!

Past Mom, promise me that you will never say, ‚ÄúWhen I was a kid‚Ķ‚ÄĚ Kids still went to school, watched the television box, and ate disgusting food when you were a kid. I know everything, I like to play in the hologram room, and I love food tablets. Times have changed, mom!

Do not¬†tell me to clean my room because that‚Äôs what the robots are for. I do not know what you people did without robotic servants. I have no idea where humans would be if Fujisitio (known as ‚ÄėJapan‚Äô in your day) did not create the first servant robot.

Do not ask if I have to “take a poopie” in front of my friends as punishment because I broke the rules. Everyone knows that we do not take “poopies” anymore, that’s what the robots are for.

Past Mom, I want you to be the most zellar mom out there so please follow these tips.

Time to bounce or whatever it is you people say,

Your Child

 

I hope you’re a boy because I’m naming you Ashley Rainbow Stadium. Try filling in all those letters in the SAT bubbles…

At least I know that I will still be uncool awesome in the future.

Friday Flip-Offs 8/27: My childhood is a lie!

26 Aug

TGIF! Now I can finally catch up on my beauty sleep.

Exercise- Flip Off! Why do ‚Äėprofessionals‚Äô expect you to exercise and eat healthy? I can‚Äôt cook baked ¬†Brussels sprouts with tofu sauce with my sore arms and legs. If anything, exercising is making me go the Burger King drive-thru even more.

School- Flip Off! I’m already finishing my first speech, I have to read all my books, and I have a huge paper that needs to be written. Oh, the joys of getting an education.

WordPress- Flip Off! I’m going to the Dark Side of WordPress.org soon and I have too much to learn. On a random note, does ANYONE even use the ‘Like’ button that WordPress.com has above the post? Nobody uses that… It’s a waste of space.

Dream Journal- I keep a journal and fill it with all my dreams and thoughts. I finally got up the confidence to let a friend read it.

She LAUGHED at the ‘Hitler’s mustache was fake’ entry and she nearly peed her pants when read my entry about becoming a fairy and setting out to destroy all of Kim Possible’s villians. Those were serious entries but she didn’t even crack a smile when I wrote my humor article on the rabid squirrel and mermaid ninja because, “Rabies is a serious disease that kills many animals…”¬†Flip Off, Dream Journal and a horrible friend.

The people behind Blues Clues- Okay, for real? Blue is a girl? I remember watching that show when it first came on the air. I always thought Blue and Magenta had a ‘thing’ going on but now you’re telling me they’re just friends? Now, my childhood is full of lies… thanks Blues Clue.

What’s next? Are you going to tell me that Steve wasn’t killed by his evil brother, Joe?

He left to pursue a musical career? This upsets me far more than it should…

My blogger’s block and my busy schedule- I can’t post any of the things I want too. I have so many ideas but I don’t have the time to write them down the proper way.

I hope to have a post published before the LBS Tea Party but I don’t think I can do that.

 

Click here to go back to Kludgymom to find the other bloggers who are linking up their Friday Flip-Offs.

 

Friday Flip-Offs 8/20: Pant Fairies!

20 Aug

I’m so tired. I normally write my Flip-Offs on Tuesday and Wednesday and them I make them look pretty on Thursday before I hit ‘Publish’. I’m so tired that I’m typing these flips and hitting ‘Publish’ in one sitting so please excuse my tirednessness.

Tedious Life- Blog Off!¬†I hate my blog. I was writing a formal paper today for class and I almost turned it into an informal paper on ninjas because that’s what I do here. The wonderful internet allows me to type y’all, asshat, and ballz without being judged while¬†most schools¬†don’t.

Those asshats! They think they’re so fancy with them learnin’ books and number computy¬†thingamabobs.

Pant Fairies- Flip Off! I woke up this morning and found out that Pant Fairies stole my pants.

I had to wear my dirty pants ‘weekend pants’ with holes in both knees. One of my friends suggested that the pant fairies hated my horrible¬†fashion sense and were taking all my fashion felonies. Pssh… I know they are¬†just jealous of my vintage bellbottom¬†jeans.

Pant fairies, return the pants or answer to me.

On a serious note, please tell me if you have any information about what happened to my pants.

Blogs with no search widget- The search widget is the most important part of the sidebar. If I find a great post and remember the name, I want to be able to search and find it again later.

My 2nd Grade Teacher- Flip Off! You always taught me to use, “As you can see” in my essay conclusions. That did NOT help me in the long run. And that yellow card you gave me made me hate you forever. I don’t do yellow cards.

This has been the worst Flip Off post ever but I promise to do better next week. To make it up to you, here’s a hilarious video I found…

No, attempted rape is not hilarious but crazy people are.

I’m so tired that I’m going to bed as soon as I hit ‘Publish’. Comment moderation can wait.

Friday Flip-Offs 8/13: Pull up your pants!

12 Aug

 How has your week been? This is the last weekend of freedom before I have to start studying and buying books.

Summer, why can’t you be longer? Now, I have to put classes on my list on everything else I have to juggle in my daily life.

Wish me luck as I write research papers, study, and buy boring books that induce sleep. ūüôā

Guys who wear their pants too low- Flip Off!¬†If I can¬†read the¬†writing on your¬†boxers, your pants are way¬†too low.¬†I don’t see what’s so attractive about having your pants hanging half way down your ass anyways.

And if you do wear your pants that way, wear underwear because I don’t want¬†this¬†to happen to me.

Guys who wear their pants too low AND ride a bike- Flip Off! How do you pedal with your pants around your knees?

WordPress.com- Flip Off!¬†I said that I loved you in my last post but now you crushed my dreams and I’m questioning my love for you. I dream about WordPress.org and I want to take this relationship to the next level but you’re making it¬†too difficult for me.¬†I love you but I want more from this girl/website relationship! Why can’t you make it easier for me? WHY?

Next time on As the Mouse Clicks…¬†

The shoes- Flip Off! I found the perfect shoes. With the shoebox in hand, I jumped up and down excitedly like I had just won the Price is Right showcase. Then, I looked at the price tag. 

I hyperventilated, fainted, and became so out of it that I thought I was Joan Rivers.

Always check the price tag first.

(Random Story: I was in the doctor office to get some tests done¬†and I actually did have a panic attack that resulted in me fainting. When I woke up, I tried to apologize to the¬†doctor for “sleeping” and “running down the hallway before the cops got me”.¬†)¬†¬†

My friends- Flip Off!¬†You have no right to judge me. I know I don’t like soap operas and I don’t speak Spanish fluently but I love Spanish soap operas. With my limited Spanish, I know that this lady got into car accident (accidente¬†automovilistico) and¬†has¬†to work (tiene¬†que trabajar)¬†to pay off her¬†large amount of debt (la deuda¬†enorme). I know you’re all jealous because you can’t swear in Spanish as well as I can.

Dog-¬†Flip Off!¬†You walked over my foot and scratched it with your dirty little feet. I now¬†have a scab on top on my foot that hurts whenever I touch it. Don’t worry,¬†I’ll still take you to the park¬†so you can¬†pee and roll in rabbit feces.

Translation…¬†¬†

Mutt- Growl! Bark Walk Woof Woof Grrr Bark Bark Growl Meat. Bark Grrr Woof Bark Bark Grrr Bark Whine Whine Whine Whine. Wanna go bye-bye? Wanna go bye-bye?  

WordPress.com doesn’t support the <script> tag so you have to click here¬†to visit Kludgymom (who is also the mom of Friday Flip-Offs) to see the other bloggers that are flipping off today.

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