Tag Archives: View

Barbara J. Walters Tried to Kill Me

13 Nov
Barbara Walters (left) interviewing Gerald For...

Image via Wikipedia

I share custody of a GPS. The GPS is named Barbara Walters.

┬áBarbara Walters has a “walking mode” (GPS Barbara Walters, although I’m sure real Barbara Walters has this too) which is used when you have difficulty walking down the street without getting lost. I have to use this mode because I’m carless, or without car. At this point, you might think that I am some sort of carless loser who walks down the street holding a talking GPS named Barbara Walters. You would be correct.

Barbara: Turn right now.

Me: Okay.

Barbara: Turn left now.

Me: No, I’m not stupid.

Barbara: Turn around now.

Me: I just want to go to Burger King… *I hit “alternate route”*

Barbara: Turn right on DolphinfinxyzBenTen Street.

*I hit “repeat”*

Then Barbara got bitchy and started “loading” while narrating that she was, “finding your destination, finding your destination, finding your…”

Barbara: Turn right on DolphinfinxyzBenTen street

Me: Where is that? Barbara? BARBARA, ANSWER ME!

Barbara: Turn right now.

*I turn around and read the street sign which is something alone the lines of “Dove Crossing”*


Barbara: Turn left in fifteen and a half feet.

Me: Where?

Barbara: Turn left now.

Me: That’s not even a road, that’s an office building.

The GPS map showed a nonexistant road on my left travelling through the office building. I immediently concluded that it must be some sort of magical wall like in Harry Potter. Was I magical enough to pass through? Would I have to whisper “I believe” or “I think I can” when I passed through? Would the muggles around me suddenly uncover the secret of magic when I passed through a wall in front of them? I just had to take this chance…

Barbara Walters: Turn left now.

Right now, you’re probably wondering if I was born stupid or if someone dropped me on the head as a baby… Well, I’m pretty sure my aunt actually did that but that’s beside the point. I didn’t actually do that. In reality, I was just too caught up daydreaming that I didn’t realize there was an office building there, but the outcome was the same in both realities.

Barbara Walters failed me; I will never be able to watch The View again without this feeling of shame and disappointment.

If I was in a car, I would have died. Barbara Walters tried to kill me. Fuck you, Barbara.

Do you own a GPS? Has it ever failed you?