Tag Archives: Feces

People should ride cows and eat horses

17 Nov
Wild stallion Lazarus and part of his band in ...

Smell like horse crap

Horses are strange creatures. I don’t know much about them, except that they make up 1/2 of a centaur and if you slap them on the ass while you’re drunk and yell “Hi, Ho Silver!” they’ll try to kill you. (That last fact is courtesy of my uncle.) I’ve pet kangaroos, fed lions from milk bottles, ridden elephants, and nearly been attacked by an Emu because apparently since it shared the same exhibit with the kangaroo they became lovers or something. The point is that I’ve done some pretty messed up shit with animals but riding a horse for more than an hour has not been one of those things.

The main reason why I don’t like riding horses is because they smell like horse shit. I don’t walk around smelling like human shit, so why do they think it’s acceptable? But, their sables are probably full of horse shit. You’re thinking. Even some cats know how to shit on the toliet, so why can’t horses? Seriously, I should be the one to invent the horse toilet to support them. I’ll also invent the “hoof wipe”.

The minor-yet-still-huge reason why I don’t ride horses is that when they do shit or pee it splatters. The only reason sables tell you to wear pants while horseback riding is because the piss will splatter on your legs. If that horse’s urine was water, he could clean tires at the car wash with that kind of pressure. (Lucky, pee off this man’s SUV… good boy!)  

I digress. I finally did get on a horse again and it was amazing. We went through trails on the fields and in the forests. The horse was well trained and responded to my every command perfectly, nor did it smell that strongly of horse shit.

During our walk around the field, the horse stopped suddenly and positioned himself weirdly. Horse piss. That was obviously the pre-shit piss because what came afterwards…

I think I’m tramatized.

Advertisements

Friday Flip Offs 10/15: Evil Feces

14 Oct

No original non-meme posts in three weeks? I would be a bit angry at myself if I didn’t have a post planned for next week… and an awesome party coming up! Seriously, this is how my life has been for about 3 weeks…

I forgot to add "making useless graphs"

As you can see, blogging has been the least of my concerns but that’s not going to stop me with Friday Flip Offs! 

Contacts, you suck hard. I’ve forgotten to taken you out twice this week, and woke up with sudden realization that my 20/20 vision was back and then the sadness that followed. I cried. 😥

America’s Schools, I just realized that you are reason why my vision sucks. You turned me into a Super Reader which really messed up my eyes.  If I ever mistake poison for orange juice, I’ll be suing you. That’s the American way.

Spanish you’ve failed me. All those classes and I still fumble with the easiest vocabulary words. I can’t imagine what those Spanish speakers are thinking of me after I told them, “I’m washing my hands with ham.”

Ham- jamón
Soap- jabón

This is why I will never take that vacation to Spain.

I’m giving an old-fashioned bird flipping to dog poop and Dog. Dog is a dog. He poops; it’s natural. What isn’t natural is the fact that he continues to push after he stands up and the result is crap smeared all over his rear end. He also tries to run away while I round-up a buddy (in today’s case, it was my loving father) to help me clean the crap off my dog’s butt with a moist towel. After we catch him, the cleaning process begins. In summary…

►He gets crap on my shoes.

►He runs off and wipes his shit on the leg closest to him.

►He has this weird look in his eye while I clean him. I think he assumes we’re in a relationship now, but I’m too scared to say no.

Dog’s 13th birthday is coming up, so I would normally associate his ‘pushing’ problems with old age… BUT he does it every time company comes over or I have something important to do. Every. Single. Time.

Who knew that poop could be used for evil?

What are you flipping off this week? Also, what’s the best way to break up with your dog?

 Click here to visit Mommakiss and the other bloggers flipping off today. (Please note that I will be posting this early and will be adding my blog to the linky list on Friday morning.)