People should ride cows and eat horses

17 Nov
Wild stallion Lazarus and part of his band in ...

Smell like horse crap

Horses are strange creatures. I don’t know much about them, except that they make up 1/2 of a centaur and if you slap them on the ass while you’re drunk and yell “Hi, Ho Silver!” they’ll try to kill you. (That last fact is courtesy of my uncle.) I’ve pet kangaroos, fed lions from milk bottles, ridden elephants, and nearly been attacked by an Emu because apparently since it shared the same exhibit with the kangaroo they became lovers or something. The point is that I’ve done some pretty messed up shit with animals but riding a horse for more than an hour has not been one of those things.

The main reason why I don’t like riding horses is because they smell like horse shit. I don’t walk around smelling like human shit, so why do they think it’s acceptable? But, their sables are probably full of horse shit. You’re thinking. Even some cats know how to shit on the toliet, so why can’t horses? Seriously, I should be the one to invent the horse toilet to support them. I’ll also invent the “hoof wipe”.

The minor-yet-still-huge reason why I don’t ride horses is that when they do shit or pee it splatters. The only reason sables tell you to wear pants while horseback riding is because the piss will splatter on your legs. If that horse’s urine was water, he could clean tires at the car wash with that kind of pressure. (Lucky, pee off this man’s SUV… good boy!)  

I digress. I finally did get on a horse again and it was amazing. We went through trails on the fields and in the forests. The horse was well trained and responded to my every command perfectly, nor did it smell that strongly of horse shit.

During our walk around the field, the horse stopped suddenly and positioned himself weirdly. Horse piss. That was obviously the pre-shit piss because what came afterwards…

I think I’m tramatized.

Barbara J. Walters Tried to Kill Me

13 Nov
Barbara Walters (left) interviewing Gerald For...

Image via Wikipedia

I share custody of a GPS. The GPS is named Barbara Walters.

 Barbara Walters has a “walking mode” (GPS Barbara Walters, although I’m sure real Barbara Walters has this too) which is used when you have difficulty walking down the street without getting lost. I have to use this mode because I’m carless, or without car. At this point, you might think that I am some sort of carless loser who walks down the street holding a talking GPS named Barbara Walters. You would be correct.

Barbara: Turn right now.

Me: Okay.

Barbara: Turn left now.

Me: No, I’m not stupid.

Barbara: Turn around now.

Me: I just want to go to Burger King… *I hit “alternate route”*

Barbara: Turn right on DolphinfinxyzBenTen Street.

*I hit “repeat”*

Then Barbara got bitchy and started “loading” while narrating that she was, “finding your destination, finding your destination, finding your…”

Barbara: Turn right on DolphinfinxyzBenTen street

Me: Where is that? Barbara? BARBARA, ANSWER ME!

Barbara: Turn right now.

*I turn around and read the street sign which is something alone the lines of “Dove Crossing”*

Me: BARBARA, YOU BITCH!

Barbara: Turn left in fifteen and a half feet.

Me: Where?

Barbara: Turn left now.

Me: That’s not even a road, that’s an office building.

The GPS map showed a nonexistant road on my left travelling through the office building. I immediently concluded that it must be some sort of magical wall like in Harry Potter. Was I magical enough to pass through? Would I have to whisper “I believe” or “I think I can” when I passed through? Would the muggles around me suddenly uncover the secret of magic when I passed through a wall in front of them? I just had to take this chance…

Barbara Walters: Turn left now.

Right now, you’re probably wondering if I was born stupid or if someone dropped me on the head as a baby… Well, I’m pretty sure my aunt actually did that but that’s beside the point. I didn’t actually do that. In reality, I was just too caught up daydreaming that I didn’t realize there was an office building there, but the outcome was the same in both realities.

Barbara Walters failed me; I will never be able to watch The View again without this feeling of shame and disappointment.

If I was in a car, I would have died. Barbara Walters tried to kill me. Fuck you, Barbara.

Do you own a GPS? Has it ever failed you?

Friday Flips 11/12: You suck, stop singing

11 Nov

What a tiring week. With other writing obligations (you’ll learn about one with week) and my cold, I’ve forgotten to post the post I was going to post this week. This week’s flips might be weird but you can’t blame cold medicine… because I’m scared of cold medicine, BUT I totally pass it off as being BA.

“I need some more cold medicine…”

“Cold medicine? Ha, I’m so BA that I don’t need that crap. I once pulled a shark out of the ocean and ate it.”

But I’m not implying I’m not the most BA person ever, we all know that someone who eats sharks at Red Lobster deserves that title.

Anyways, my first flip goes to the internet. If you haven’t looked at my “About” page, you would not know that getting my own reality show about living in a cardboard box is my future career. (Kinda like Geek Girl vs. Wild) Obviously, the internet doe not think that “Reality Show Star” is a career option, so I cannot get information about average salary and employment opportunities. I really don’t get how that is not a “real” job, but travelling circus clown is. What the F?

I also want to flip off the person who called me… normal. I’m one of the few people who takes joy in being weird. I enjoy being unusual. The staring doesn’t bother me anymore. Normal is an insult, especially since I just temporarily fixed my broken glasses by using colored pencils to replace the broken temples until my doctor’s appointment. That’s normal? Shit. I guess I just finally realized that everyone is weird and normal is weird, which means that by being weird you are normal but in a weird way. These are the things that make me think…

A huge flip off goes to Disney Stars. Why do all Disney Stars have to sing? Do I really have to walk down the music aisle and see all their happy, Disney faces? Their voices also suck, it’s more computer than man. At least Darth Vader’s more-computer-than-man voice is awesome.

They sound like Ke$ha. There, I said it.

(At least Ke$ha WANTS to sound that way.)

 What are you flipping off this week?

Click here to visit Momma Kiss and see what other bloggers joined in on the flipping. 

Friday Flips 11/5: The “Mustache Hate” Edition

4 Nov

Yes, I missed last week’s flips. Simply put, I was tired. I was tired of my birthday, tired of planning, tired of being sad when nobody remembered said birthday, and so freakin’ tired of Halloween… so I celebrated with Cesar Chavez instead.

A small amount of hatred goes to my name. My parents thought it was unique but by 5th grade, I hated it because it was so common and it was too innocent sounding. I go by a nickname, instead of Sara, but some people still call me by my real first name.

A shovel of flips goes out to certain bloggers. The bloggers I am referring to are ones that constantly refer to their writing as “funny” or “sappy” or “snarky”. I’m not hating on blogs that do this on occasion I’m talking about bloggers who do that on every single post. Honestly? Your writing isn’t that funny or snarky when you start off by writing “here is my funny/snarky post on my trip to the pumpkin patch.”

 “Friends” who criticize my spelling and grammar deserve some giant flips this week. Am I writing a research paper? I can write better than this, but this is a BLOG. Wud u rther iF i tyPed lyke dis?????????????? Or iF i tweeted lyke dis…

“Yo, jus got bac from da concert. awsum. my dawg died. hehe.”

That’s right, insult my grammar and the dog dies. *

Mustache haters? You get a big “F” in mustachinessness. As you know from my previous post, I love making mustaches on sticks. I now carry one everywhere I go to show friends or to strike up a conversation with the homeless man who lives by the supermarket. I do not know where this “mustache hate” comes from but it needs to stop. I have a mustache on a stick, so what? I’m not pushing it up to your face or anything… Okay, I did that once but I apologized to her afterwards.

Grow up, it is just a mustache! It’s not like it’s a Boba Fett blaster or anything…

A NOT Flip Off to WordPress for these recommended tags…

they know EXACTLY what I'm talking about!

What are you flipping off this week? Also, new username ideas? Anyone?

Click here to visit MommaKiss and the other bloggers who are flipping off today 

*= Just joking, of course. I’m pretty sure that’s illegal and stuff. Also? It’s messy.

Halloween, Elections, Dog, and Mustaches (possibly a ninja too)

3 Nov

 

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October 27th 

This was my birthday. My friends forgot me. When I tried to call them the day after my birthday, they ignored me. They probably went to a Halloween party without me.

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October 31st

It was Halloween and Day of the Dead in America’s pants (Canada is America’s hat so…). Day of the Dead is a day when altars complete with food, flowers, candles, and pictures are set up in remembrance of a dead relative. It is believed that the spirit finds their way to the altar and enjoys the food and celebration. I hate Halloween since it always messes up my birthday (it was the 27th) so I decided to learn more about the Day of the Dead. I decided to make a fake Day of the Dead altar to Cesar Chavez, so I went to Michael’s and bought some candles, a paper mache skull, and some fake flowers. I’m not actually related to Cesar Chavez but I’m a pale Norwegian-American so I didn’t know what to do.

Setting up the Ofrenda (altar) for Cesar Chavez was a fun learning experience. It was actually worth getting the weird looks at Michael’s when I told them I was trying to use my candles, flowers, and skull to meet Cesar Chavez.

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November 1st

I didn’t meet Cesar Chavez. I still had fun learning…

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November 2nd

I picked up the phone…

Me: Hello?

Chain smoking 45 year old woman: Are you a Democrat or Republican?

 

Possible Voter

Me:

I don’t know.

Woman: Do you know that [candidate] will protect your money?

Me: Isn’t he the one who lied about everything?

Woman: Yes, but what he didn’t lie about was his promises to keep your wallet safe. [Other candidate] lied about those.

Me: Well, I’m actually a Canadian.

Woman: Really? Are there any Americans there?

Me: No, I’m from a family of Canadians. Although, my dog was homeless in the Chicago suburbs when he was a puppy.

Woman: …bye.

Animal discrimination? I think so.

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November 3rd

I realized that I had a blog I forgot about. I also realized that I’ve made so many mustaches on sticks that it’s now an addiction.

Friday Flips 10/22: The “I’m Wearing Three Shirts” Edition

22 Oct

Here I am, 6:30 am and trying to write my Friday Flips.

First off, let me aim my new lightsaber at non-RSVP’ers. I wrote a post on you, but now you are starting to really piss me off. Why can’t you just drop a three word email… “I’ll be there.” That is all I ask.

I am wearing three shirts right now so my next flip goes to Midwest Fall/Winter. Let me paint a visual if you don’t live in the Midwest…

It’s cold and too much snow falls from the sky. The wind is really strong and you get rain so cold that you swear you’re going to die while you’re walking to work. You go back to the pioneer days and make your own deodorant using a candle and some dog hair because all the stores are closed. Some guy named Tim comes to your door trying to sell you Hannah Montana quilts; you buy five because you’re cold. You almost kill your dog to get his Doggie Snuggie.

For the first time ever, I am flipping off myself. Just moments ago, I unsubscribed to the oldest feed in my feed reader but I almost stopped myself before I did it. Are you serious, me? You don’t like that blog anymore. I did unsubscribe but now I think I may be some sort of Google Reader hoarder. Maybe I did need Dr. Phil House afterall.

That’s all for now. Thanks for sticking by me when I was questioning my gender in my last post.

Even the paperclip helped…

I forgot to include this in my last post

 See you next week.

Click here to go to Momma Kiss

RIP, RSVP

20 Oct

Online you can pretend to be anything. A single, young mom of 3 boys who blogs could actually be a married man of 50 with a pet dog. I used to think that I never did that; You know that I am a female Star Wars fan who can’t do math, but here I am writing a post temporarily titled, “I admit it, I am a man.”

It all started when I read a story about a “girl” who lived her entire childhood until she found her true gender. She was a man. I began to panic… Was I a man? That would explain my dislike of make-up AND why I have the urge to pull my pants so low that my boxers blow in the breeze (and I don’t even wear boxers, y’all).

I was going to the doctor’s anyways, so I took the chance. I asked…

Me: Am I a man?

Doctor: You marked female on your forms.

Me: Yes, but am I a man?

Doctor: When we asked you to pee in the cup, did you sit down or stand up?

Me: I was scared of what you would say so I kinda did both, I squatted.

It turned out that there is a book based on the story I read.  The girl knew she was a man before she knew she was a man (if that makes sense…). Doctor told me this, told me I was not a man, and sent me on my way. That’s typical, paranoid me.

Speaking of this, last night I was checking up on my RSVPs. Out of all my family for my family party, only ONE person has RSVP’ed. I used Google to gain valuable insight about why my assclown family chose.

The results that appeared revealed that my Little Idiots might not even know what RSVP is or why that phone number/email combo is even there. I sighed with relief until I saw the comments.

Fallin4YoMomma Said…

I planned a surprise birthday party for my son. Nobody RSVP’ed, and NOBODY came! I cried but I didn’t let my son know. I don’t think his little heart could have handled it.

My little heart can’t handle it either.

People have been emailing/Twitter messaging asking how I’m doing and if I’m dead or not. I’m just coming back to blogging again but I’m not dead. I’ll give you guys a heads up when I am.