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Friday Flips 11/19: Just Girl Scouts

18 Nov

I didn’t think I would be able to do Flip Offs this week because of other stuff, but here I am.

First off, something kinda huge-ish is happening here next month. I’m really excited since I’ve been planning this for a while. Can’t you wait for the big unveil? I know I can’t. (Yeah, I’m going to build it up so much that you’re going to be let down. That’s how I roll. )

I only have one flip this week,  Girl Scouts. What is up with you people? I started eating my yummy cookies and then I found out they were really unhealthy. Fuck you, Girl Scout Headquarters. You give me all this crap about “saving money” and “learning problem solving” and then you make me buy really unhealthy cookies. YOU are the reason why America is full of fat people.

The yummiest cookies also have to be the ones with “Thank You” in different languages baked into each one, right? Ugh, I spent fifteen minutes trying to figure out if one cookie said “Thank You” in Norwegian or Swedish. Then, I spent another fifteens minutes looking at one cookie until I realized it was an English one upside down.

Urg, just fuck you. You make me feel dum.

Update: Wait, aren’t Girl Scouts the ones who sing about the dirty, black socks that never get washed? Tsk Tsk, Girl Scouts…

More flippiness at Momma Kiss (I post my flips early, Momma Kiss’ might not be up yet!)


Friday Flips 11/12: You suck, stop singing

11 Nov

What a tiring week. With other writing obligations (you’ll learn about one with week) and my cold, I’ve forgotten to post the post I was going to post this week. This week’s flips might be weird but you can’t blame cold medicine… because I’m scared of cold medicine, BUT I totally pass it off as being BA.

“I need some more cold medicine…”

“Cold medicine? Ha, I’m so BA that I don’t need that crap. I once pulled a shark out of the ocean and ate it.”

But I’m not implying I’m not the most BA person ever, we all know that someone who eats sharks at Red Lobster deserves that title.

Anyways, my first flip goes to the internet. If you haven’t looked at my “About” page, you would not know that getting my own reality show about living in a cardboard box is my future career. (Kinda like Geek Girl vs. Wild) Obviously, the internet doe not think that “Reality Show Star” is a career option, so I cannot get information about average salary and employment opportunities. I really don’t get how that is not a “real” job, but travelling circus clown is. What the F?

I also want to flip off the person who called me… normal. I’m one of the few people who takes joy in being weird. I enjoy being unusual. The staring doesn’t bother me anymore. Normal is an insult, especially since I just temporarily fixed my broken glasses by using colored pencils to replace the broken temples until my doctor’s appointment. That’s normal? Shit. I guess I just finally realized that everyone is weird and normal is weird, which means that by being weird you are normal but in a weird way. These are the things that make me think…

A huge flip off goes to Disney Stars. Why do all Disney Stars have to sing? Do I really have to walk down the music aisle and see all their happy, Disney faces? Their voices also suck, it’s more computer than man. At least Darth Vader’s more-computer-than-man voice is awesome.

They sound like Ke$ha. There, I said it.

(At least Ke$ha WANTS to sound that way.)

 What are you flipping off this week?

Click here to visit Momma Kiss and see what other bloggers joined in on the flipping. 

Friday Flips 11/5: The “Mustache Hate” Edition

4 Nov

Yes, I missed last week’s flips. Simply put, I was tired. I was tired of my birthday, tired of planning, tired of being sad when nobody remembered said birthday, and so freakin’ tired of Halloween… so I celebrated with Cesar Chavez instead.

A small amount of hatred goes to my name. My parents thought it was unique but by 5th grade, I hated it because it was so common and it was too innocent sounding. I go by a nickname, instead of Sara, but some people still call me by my real first name.

A shovel of flips goes out to certain bloggers. The bloggers I am referring to are ones that constantly refer to their writing as “funny” or “sappy” or “snarky”. I’m not hating on blogs that do this on occasion I’m talking about bloggers who do that on every single post. Honestly? Your writing isn’t that funny or snarky when you start off by writing “here is my funny/snarky post on my trip to the pumpkin patch.”

 “Friends” who criticize my spelling and grammar deserve some giant flips this week. Am I writing a research paper? I can write better than this, but this is a BLOG. Wud u rther iF i tyPed lyke dis?????????????? Or iF i tweeted lyke dis…

“Yo, jus got bac from da concert. awsum. my dawg died. hehe.”

That’s right, insult my grammar and the dog dies. *

Mustache haters? You get a big “F” in mustachinessness. As you know from my previous post, I love making mustaches on sticks. I now carry one everywhere I go to show friends or to strike up a conversation with the homeless man who lives by the supermarket. I do not know where this “mustache hate” comes from but it needs to stop. I have a mustache on a stick, so what? I’m not pushing it up to your face or anything… Okay, I did that once but I apologized to her afterwards.

Grow up, it is just a mustache! It’s not like it’s a Boba Fett blaster or anything…

A NOT Flip Off to WordPress for these recommended tags…

they know EXACTLY what I'm talking about!

What are you flipping off this week? Also, new username ideas? Anyone?

Click here to visit MommaKiss and the other bloggers who are flipping off today 

*= Just joking, of course. I’m pretty sure that’s illegal and stuff. Also? It’s messy.

Friday Flips 10/22: The “I’m Wearing Three Shirts” Edition

22 Oct

Here I am, 6:30 am and trying to write my Friday Flips.

First off, let me aim my new lightsaber at non-RSVP’ers. I wrote a post on you, but now you are starting to really piss me off. Why can’t you just drop a three word email… “I’ll be there.” That is all I ask.

I am wearing three shirts right now so my next flip goes to Midwest Fall/Winter. Let me paint a visual if you don’t live in the Midwest…

It’s cold and too much snow falls from the sky. The wind is really strong and you get rain so cold that you swear you’re going to die while you’re walking to work. You go back to the pioneer days and make your own deodorant using a candle and some dog hair because all the stores are closed. Some guy named Tim comes to your door trying to sell you Hannah Montana quilts; you buy five because you’re cold. You almost kill your dog to get his Doggie Snuggie.

For the first time ever, I am flipping off myself. Just moments ago, I unsubscribed to the oldest feed in my feed reader but I almost stopped myself before I did it. Are you serious, me? You don’t like that blog anymore. I did unsubscribe but now I think I may be some sort of Google Reader hoarder. Maybe I did need Dr. Phil House afterall.

That’s all for now. Thanks for sticking by me when I was questioning my gender in my last post.

Even the paperclip helped…

I forgot to include this in my last post

 See you next week.

Click here to go to Momma Kiss

Friday Flip Offs 10/15: Evil Feces

14 Oct

No original non-meme posts in three weeks? I would be a bit angry at myself if I didn’t have a post planned for next week… and an awesome party coming up! Seriously, this is how my life has been for about 3 weeks…

I forgot to add "making useless graphs"

As you can see, blogging has been the least of my concerns but that’s not going to stop me with Friday Flip Offs! 

Contacts, you suck hard. I’ve forgotten to taken you out twice this week, and woke up with sudden realization that my 20/20 vision was back and then the sadness that followed. I cried. 😥

America’s Schools, I just realized that you are reason why my vision sucks. You turned me into a Super Reader which really messed up my eyes.  If I ever mistake poison for orange juice, I’ll be suing you. That’s the American way.

Spanish you’ve failed me. All those classes and I still fumble with the easiest vocabulary words. I can’t imagine what those Spanish speakers are thinking of me after I told them, “I’m washing my hands with ham.”

Ham- jamón
Soap- jabón

This is why I will never take that vacation to Spain.

I’m giving an old-fashioned bird flipping to dog poop and Dog. Dog is a dog. He poops; it’s natural. What isn’t natural is the fact that he continues to push after he stands up and the result is crap smeared all over his rear end. He also tries to run away while I round-up a buddy (in today’s case, it was my loving father) to help me clean the crap off my dog’s butt with a moist towel. After we catch him, the cleaning process begins. In summary…

►He gets crap on my shoes.

►He runs off and wipes his shit on the leg closest to him.

►He has this weird look in his eye while I clean him. I think he assumes we’re in a relationship now, but I’m too scared to say no.

Dog’s 13th birthday is coming up, so I would normally associate his ‘pushing’ problems with old age… BUT he does it every time company comes over or I have something important to do. Every. Single. Time.

Who knew that poop could be used for evil?

What are you flipping off this week? Also, what’s the best way to break up with your dog?

 Click here to visit Mommakiss and the other bloggers flipping off today. (Please note that I will be posting this early and will be adding my blog to the linky list on Friday morning.)

Friday Flips 10/8: Take that, Martha!

8 Oct

No post this week again besides Flip Offs. Well, it’s my blog you assclown so shut the fudge up. (Excuse that last sentence, I’m trying to stop my swearing habit.)

Martha Stewart- FLIP OFF! I’m trying to make mustaches on sticks with fake fur, instead of felt. They look so real and awesome but you, Martha Stewart, are making it hard for me. I’m not a crafter and I have no idea what half of the crap on the ‘mustache on a stick’ craft list is. I tried watching the video but that only reminded me why I never watch your show.

Mustached ‘Mustache on a stick’ Craft Dude: And then we just wrap that around the wire.

Martha: Like this?

Mustached ‘Mustache on a stick’ Craft Dude: No, let me show you…

Martha: NO! Do you know who I am? I’m Martha FUCKING Stewart!

Mustached ‘Mustache on a stick’ Craft Dude: I’m just trying to help.

Martha: I once pulled a shark out of the ocean and ate it! I’m Martha FUCKING Stewart!

I clicked back to the ‘Items Needed’ list and tried to figure out what craft glue is. What’s wrong with plain old Elmer’s?

UPDATE: Is craft glue that glue that makes you hallucinate/radioactive/die? I think it might be. That’s why I prefer the Next Martha because she won’t attempt to kill you with craft glue.

Glee- FLIP OFF! Everyone is talking about the miracle that is Glee like it’s the miracle of a baby whale being born. (Actually, I’ve seen a whale being born and it was kind of gross.) I want to watch Glee and become a ‘Gleek’ but Tuesday nights aren’t really good for me. Why can’t it come on at like 6?

Two very close words- FLIP OFF! I saw someone drawing a rather large ‘S’ on a piece of paper so I exclaimed, “That’s an S!”

The people around me had shocked looks on their faces so I proudly proclaimed, “Yeah, that’s right, I know my STDs.”

ABCs or STDs, who would notice anyways? Everyone.

This last minute Friday Flips post and others are still being hosted over at MommaKiss.

Friday Flip Offs 10/1: The OH CRAP I FORGOT Edition

1 Oct

OH CRAP, I FORGOT. You know how it goes. Friday Flips… I rant about crap I hated during the week… I talk about my magical manatee.

The total B Word (and by B Word, I mean Baby): B Word, you are a real B Word (and by real B Word, I mean bitch). It may shock you, but I know I’m very thin and lanky. Randoming grabbing my skinny wrist, looking it over, and exclaiming “Shit!” to you friend is…

A.) Rude

B.) An invasion of privacy

C.) SUPER rude, I was talking to a friend and I don’t even know you. Who are you?

And it was really awesome when you just held it closer to your face for a few moments like it was some sort of display at a freak show before I had to pull it away. Were you trying to hold my hand? Are we dating now? Asking someone out is so different in big cities…

You picked the wrong time to be rude to me because the new(ish) friend I was with didn’t like it either and REALLY told you off before I could even get a word in.

Obviously, she didn’t know we were a couple.

[MESSAGE FOR THE B WORD ONLY: Listen, I wanna break up. I’ve never been into you, EVER! I don’t wanna be friends either.]

Writers who use bathroom walls as their canvas: I don’t want to read about your bad breakup while I’m sitting on the John. I’m sure you loved him and whatever but come on, maybe if you stopped writing your life story on the wall, you could actually leave the Crapper Stall and find yourself another man.

And those idiots who write down who they ‘heart’ on the wall, I’m sure your ‘BF’ cherishes the fact that your show your love with a purple pen on a crap smeared wall.

People who say, “you know what you did”: I don’t know what I did. This week, I’ve lit two things on fire, pushed one person over and accidently punched them, and I told one person that I hated babies and puppies. What incident are you referring too?

Random Fact of the Week: I can draw a half human/half manatee with a unicorn horn really well. I’ve done it.

Click here to visit Momma Kiss and the other people who are flipping off today.