People should ride cows and eat horses

17 Nov
Wild stallion Lazarus and part of his band in ...

Smell like horse crap

Horses are strange creatures. I don’t know much about them, except that they make up 1/2 of a centaur and if you slap them on the ass while you’re drunk and yell “Hi, Ho Silver!” they’ll try to kill you. (That last fact is courtesy of my uncle.) I’ve pet kangaroos, fed lions from milk bottles, ridden elephants, and nearly been attacked by an Emu because apparently since it shared the same exhibit with the kangaroo they became lovers or something. The point is that I’ve done some pretty messed up shit with animals but riding a horse for more than an hour has not been one of those things.

The main reason why I don’t like riding horses is because they smell like horse shit. I don’t walk around smelling like human shit, so why do they think it’s acceptable? But, their sables are probably full of horse shit. You’re thinking. Even some cats know how to shit on the toliet, so why can’t horses? Seriously, I should be the one to invent the horse toilet to support them. I’ll also invent the “hoof wipe”.

The minor-yet-still-huge reason why I don’t ride horses is that when they do shit or pee it splatters. The only reason sables tell you to wear pants while horseback riding is because the piss will splatter on your legs. If that horse’s urine was water, he could clean tires at the car wash with that kind of pressure. (Lucky, pee off this man’s SUV… good boy!)  

I digress. I finally did get on a horse again and it was amazing. We went through trails on the fields and in the forests. The horse was well trained and responded to my every command perfectly, nor did it smell that strongly of horse shit.

During our walk around the field, the horse stopped suddenly and positioned himself weirdly. Horse piss. That was obviously the pre-shit piss because what came afterwards…

I think I’m tramatized.

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5 Responses to “People should ride cows and eat horses”

  1. Greta November 17, 2010 at 8:14 am #

    I like to ride horse, but where I live, they just have the stupid horses that never stray from having their nose in the ass of the horse in front of them. You can try to pull the reigns to make them go off the beaten path, but they will just act like robots and veer back to the front man’s crack. I need to find a place where the horses aren’t trained to follow one another. And the people at the stables act like your the asshole if the horse stops to chew on some grass. He’s hungry. Obviously you don’t feed the bastard, so let him eat the grass you horse Nazi.

  2. amyblam November 18, 2010 at 9:00 am #

    I am allergic to horses. Lots. We took bratchild to a Medieval Times and got fancy front row seats and I almost died with all wheezing and itching. Stupid animals.

  3. Stef November 18, 2010 at 3:33 pm #

    Oh, Sara, I’m so glad I read your blog. 😀 Given my insane remodel and now damn dryer breaking (see today’s post). I have been so down… You make me smile and laugh.

    THANK YOU!
    Stef at TooMuchToDoSoLittleTime.com

    P.S. I agree… they DO smell!

    • Sara @ Tedious Life November 18, 2010 at 4:39 pm #

      I’m glad I read your comments because they make me happy and stuff.

      Crap, I just messed up this touching moment.

      • Stef November 18, 2010 at 9:43 pm #

        Nope, not messed up… made me smile again! 😉

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