I should learn how to remove my own dead animals

14 Sep

It was summer and I was doing summery activities with Dog. Dog lost some sort of toy under a piece of wood so I leaned down to get it for him and saw a huge lump of fur, probably a dead animal.

That would usually be the point where you would call pest control but I needed to make sure the animal was actually dead. I started making an odd noise that sounded like the offspring of Chewbacca and Miley Cyrus because that’s what I imagine a Yeti sounds like. Dog whined and ran away but the animal didn’t move. Yeah, it was dead.

That’s when pest control had to come in.

Me: I think there’s a dead opossum over here.

Pest Control: Are you sure?

Me: I’m sure it’s an opossum. My dog once went after a mother opossum and her babies because she was being a bitch and trying to eat his dog food. I looked up what kind of animal it was because it looked exotic and Australian.

Pest Control: No, are you sure that is it dead? Opossums come out at night so that one could be sleeping.

Me: I poked it with a stick and it didn’t move.

Pest Control: You poked it with a stick? It’s very dangerous to poke random animals with a stick. Those animals could carry rabies.

Me: I used my dog as a shield. There aren’t many opossums around here so it’s highly likely that opossum is one of the babies of the opossum my dog tried to kill. Do you think animals like revenge?

Pest Control: Ummm… We’ll send someone out tomorrow.

So then Pest Control came around in their van with a tool that looked like a giant pooper scooper.

“It’s just a dead opossum. Clifford didn’t take a dump back there.”

Pest Control Guy gave me this look that said, “One more weird thing and you’re going inside.”

I showed him where the animal was and he said, “That’s an opossum.”

“I knew I was right. Doesn’t it look exotic and Australian?”

“Miss, you should go inside.”

He didn’t need the giant pooper scooper after all because he pulled the animal out by the tail and took it away. He told me that the opossum was probably sick because opossums normally find a small space to die in and that one didn’t. I was sad and wondered if the opossum had a family that would one day try to steal my dog’s food.

 RIP OPOSSUM, I NEVER KNEW THEE

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One Response to “I should learn how to remove my own dead animals”

  1. Wifeish September 14, 2010 at 8:27 pm #

    I bet that would be an easier skill to learn than, say, fixing your own car, or re-wiring surround sound or you know, mastering the art of french cuisine.

    Though removing dead animals and mastering french cuisine both require spatulas.

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