A letter from my future child: Dear Mom, you’re so uncool!

27 Aug

Dear Mom,

If my calculations are correct, this letter should have arrived at your doorstep years before I am born.

I hope my calculations are correct! I inherited your horrible math skills and will never get into Harvard. Thanks for that, Mom!

Your future child has written this letter to let you know a few things BEFORE you become a mom and make my life miserable.  

Your You are old- really, really old- in the future. When I saw an old picture of you, I didn’t even know it was you! What happened? You used to be attractive and now you are… wow.

Past Mom, STOP wearing jeans so you won’t wear them in the future around my friends. Jeans are so 2005 and none of the zellar moms will wear them anymore. Everyone is wearing synthetic fiber adjustable pants… Why can’t you old people catch on?

Past Mom, stop quoting Star Wars. It was not cool then and it is not cool now. Obi-Wan Kenobi, or Yoda, or Luke Skywalker is not my mom, you are. If Luke Skywalker was my mom, it would be weird.

What the heck is an iPhone or a laptop? Your old people words are confusing so you should stop using them now. Learn how to say Portable Communication and Entertainment Device (PCED) and Transportable Electronic Processor (TEP) like everyone else, you freak!

Past Mom, promise me that you will never say, “When I was a kid…” Kids still went to school, watched the television box, and ate disgusting food when you were a kid. I know everything, I like to play in the hologram room, and I love food tablets. Times have changed, mom!

Do not tell me to clean my room because that’s what the robots are for. I do not know what you people did without robotic servants. I have no idea where humans would be if Fujisitio (known as ‘Japan’ in your day) did not create the first servant robot.

Do not ask if I have to “take a poopie” in front of my friends as punishment because I broke the rules. Everyone knows that we do not take “poopies” anymore, that’s what the robots are for.

Past Mom, I want you to be the most zellar mom out there so please follow these tips.

Time to bounce or whatever it is you people say,

Your Child

 

I hope you’re a boy because I’m naming you Ashley Rainbow Stadium. Try filling in all those letters in the SAT bubbles…

At least I know that I will still be uncool awesome in the future.

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10 Responses to “A letter from my future child: Dear Mom, you’re so uncool!”

  1. Lucy August 28, 2010 at 7:06 am #

    Haha! Thebit about jeans……my kids tell me that NOW, for goodness sake!

    (Visiting from Lady Blogger Social Tea Party…….)

    Have a lovely weekend…

  2. Patty August 28, 2010 at 7:18 am #

    Super funny! Visiting from the Tea Party, thanks for the laugh!

  3. Mommycrat August 28, 2010 at 8:28 am #

    Very cute! I’m so looking forward to being an uncool mom in a few years 🙂 Right now my daughter is still under a year, so I’m still the coolest person ever. That’s a nice time in life too…

    Stopping by from the Tea Party.

  4. Cheryl August 28, 2010 at 11:30 am #

    You missed one. Human Interactive Devices. I still call mine a mouse.

    This was a riot! I hope you save it for Ashley Rainbow Stadium.

    Visiting from LBS and so glad I did!

  5. Classic NYer August 28, 2010 at 3:03 pm #

    You are officially the coolest uncool mom ever!

    Stopping by from LBS!

  6. Curvy Lady August 28, 2010 at 4:23 pm #

    Old people words! I suddenly feel sorry for future me if ever I receive a letter like this. 😉

    Stopping by from LBS

  7. Greta August 30, 2010 at 9:03 pm #

    Ashley Rainbow Stadium. hahahaha where the hell do you come up with this stuff? I am so glad I follow your blog. I need a daily laugh.

    By the by, my son is almost 6 and he already thinks I am uncool. I kiss him in front of his friends just to make him squirm and lick my finger to wipe imaginary dirt off his cheek. He hates it.

    • Sara @ Tedious Life August 30, 2010 at 9:36 pm #

      Ugh, kissing is front of friends is worst! 😉

      Thanks for the compliment. Now, I can rub it in my friends’ faces, “Haha, I TOLD you I wasn’t blogging for nothing!”

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