Ditch the escape plan!

17 Aug

I woke up in the middle of the night because of a strange noise. I opened my eyes and saw a tall man looming in the corner of my room.

“Edward Cullen?”

No answer.

I sat up in my bed and the figure moved forward. That must have made me scream because Dog woke up and began to bark down the hallway. He wasn’t going to save me; he just wanted to tell me to shut the heck up because he was trying to get a well-deserved night’s rest.

The figure inched forward again so I did a cool ninja roll off the bed and army crawled into the hallway.*

(*= I was scared shitless and I fell off the bed so I crawled like a baby into the hallway.)

I thought the figure would pursue me but I was proved wrong when I crawled into the other room alone.

I obviously had only a few moments before the person walked into the room and got me so I thought about my options. I could call 911 but that seemed stupid since I wasn’t entirely certain if the person was really an intruder or one of my asshat friends/family members playing a prank. I thought about writing a final letter to my family to let them know how much I loved them. That sounded too sappy for me but the letter would come in handy if they decided to turn my life into a Lifetime movie.

I heard another noise down the hallway and decided that it was time to execute the escape plan I had been rehearsing over and over in my head for years. Then, I realized that I didn’t have a broom, a lamp, or the years of mixed martial arts training I planned for.  

It was time to use Plan B which was the escape plan I had been using my entire life. I sprinted to the door and decided to run until I found a payphone or reached Wisconsin, whatever came first.

I had totally forgotten about Dog, who walked down the hallway and looked into my bedroom. He was unusually quiet even though he normally barks at strangers.

He must have known that person.

“Ha-ha! You thought that you could pull a prank on moi? I’m not that dumb.”

I walked into my bedroom and turned on the light. There was a party balloon in the corner.

Stupid dog… making noises in his sleep.

Have YOU done any dumb things recently? Do you have an escape plan?

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4 Responses to “Ditch the escape plan!”

  1. greta August 17, 2010 at 8:27 pm #

    Haha I laughed so hard at this I almost wet myself. One time I was with a friend at the hoover dam. We were video taping it and I felt something behind my ear like a bug. I freaked out and started screaming. After a mini heart attack I realized it was a cigarette I had tucked behind my ear for later. I looked like a sally.

    • Sara @ Tedious Life August 17, 2010 at 8:29 pm #

      I’ve done the same thing because I thought there was a spider on my shoulder. It was just my hair.

      I’m such an idiot.

  2. Cinnamon August 19, 2010 at 1:11 pm #

    I’ve done the same thing that you did only in slower motion (I’m an OLD broad afterall) after discovering I scared myself because of a long coat hanging on the back of a door.

    I actually did and do have; if not an escape plan, a “thing” to do in case someone breaks in. I always keep a can of hair spray and a lighter in my bathroom. So I can do the blowtorch thingy on them. From time to time I clear the clutter from the makeup table just to make sure the stuff is still there…..LOL

    Cute blog. Thanks

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