My Arch-Nemesis Has Gas

9 Jun

Dear You,

I was sitting on a bench in that department store. You sat next to me quietly and never said a word. I was waiting for someone else in the store and I assumed you were as well. Your eyes looked blank and you were slouched over in that I-am-so-tired-of-shopping kind of way.

You suddenly stood up and began to walk back into the store. I assumed that whoever you were waiting for was done shopping. I was happy for you.

Then… it happened.

I heard that boisterous, ear-splitting noise of gas escaping your posterior. I might have overlooked it if you did not look back at me with this look of self-satisfaction and superiority.  You held that stare for several seconds. What was I supposed to say to you during that time?

“Ha-ha, nice one!”

NO! I would NOT feed into your repulsive display of arrogance.  I tried to keep my face emotionless, but the look of disgust and shock lingered on my face. You looked satisfied and left me sitting on the bench with tiny particles of your violent gas floating around the room.

As if it wasn’t bad enough, I began to smell it. The smell of a thousand dead squirrels, skunk spray, and diseased monkey feces began to enter my nose. Did you eat a burrito with a side of rotten manure just for this occasion?

I bet you run around doing this to people for a thrill. They should put you in a villain costume and call you the “Fart-inator”. Then, they should find a man into a superhero costume to follow you around and spray air freshener.

You might have thought it was a harmless joke. People like you are exactly why everything in the world is messed up.  All in the name of comedy, right? Well, I hope you had a cheap laugh at my expense.

I don’t think I can ever sit in that bench again.


This post is actually taken from my notes and isn’t written about anyone in particular. I wrote this unedited letter in a few minutes after I witnessed several proud, public farters “showing off”. I have no hard feelings towards the public farters. If you ARE a proud, public farter, please save the super smelly farts for home.

I also want to point out my new “Share” button below. It might not seem like much to you but it means a lot to me. I’m going to name it to make it seem more friendly. I’ve been thinking about Timothy, Kyle, Bob, and a few more random names. If you know any more names that sound good for a Share button tell me!

Timothy Share-Button (pronouced, shair bah-tuhn). I like the sound of that.

~Sara :mrgreen:

—The copyright on the photo in this post has expired so it is in the public domain. It’s an image from the late 1700’s, awesome right?—

4 Responses to “My Arch-Nemesis Has Gas”

  1. M. M. June 13, 2010 at 9:09 am #

    That was DISGUSTING!!!
    Glad to have never witnessed a public ‘farter’ :l

    • Sara June 13, 2010 at 7:19 pm #

      It was very gross. Sorry if the post disgusted you. 😦

      The worst part of this experience was that he knew he did something wrong and was proud of it.

  2. Missy June 13, 2010 at 7:14 pm #

    This post made my day 🙂

    • Sara June 13, 2010 at 7:20 pm #

      Thanks for your comment! 😀

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